Reflections on Climbing

Post written for TalkChalkytome Instagram Account

“I hate to say this, but you’re probably not strong enough. Don’t get your hopes up.”
”Girls are just weaker biologically.”
”She doesn’t look like a climber.”

These comments shaped my climbing. Some well intentioned & some even from friends, but the sentiment still stood: You’re not good enough & never will be. I thought the toughest part of climbing would be the climbing, but the mental aspects proved to be most difficult. 

The start of my climbing career was filled with lots of learning, imposter syndrome, & tendonitis. My self-consciousness drove me just as much as my enthusiasm. I compared myself to climbers with years of experience & thought, “I have to catch up.” 

Climbing became the sun of my solar system with my life revolving around the sport. I spent my weekdays setting & training & my weekends at the crag. Before I knew it I’d push 18 days without rest. By now I’d learned what a real climber was & wanted to fit in. My desire to prove myself pushed me through achy elbows & tweaky shoulders. 5.12 was a big goal for me & when I sent my first of the grade I was super proud! After lowering off & some celebration, an acquaintance told me, “Why don’t you hop on this route & get some real climbing in?” 

These comments & expectations built up & slowly my excitement shifted to dread. I’d freeze up on route; too nervous to commit to moves yet too ashamed to take or fall. All I could say were apologies. Sorry for not being strong, skilled, or good enough; for being anxious or frustrated, for taking up space, for everything I did. I questioned why I even climbed.

I found my answer is this: Without climbing I wouldn’t be who I am. To me climbing is choosing perseverance through difficulty. It’s trying one more move when you’re pumped out of your mind, as much as it is being the only woman on the team, on the wall, or at the crag & continuing to show up. I’m extremely grateful to every climber who invited me into their lives, who took a chance on me when I was still learning, & who saw the good in me. Now I do my best to be an encouraging friend or at least a kind stranger in the community for anyone who has also felt out of place in the climbing world.